Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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