I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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