corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
