bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
