It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
