On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
