that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
