God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
