He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
