I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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