I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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