So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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