My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
