highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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