just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
