I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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