Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
