i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
