So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
