I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
