When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
