I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
