but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
