You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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