Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
