How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
