If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
