My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
