Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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