I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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