I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
