this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
