There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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