Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
