piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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