boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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