I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
