If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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