I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
