dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
