his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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