I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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