i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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