I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
