smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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