My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
