I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
