my phone needs a breathalizer
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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