Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
