Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm passing your future prison.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
