That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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