I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
