You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
