I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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