Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You took a bar mat shot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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