dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone shit on the floor
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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