I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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