How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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