So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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