You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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