from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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