Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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